Twas around about Easter
And all through the house
A creature was stirring
It wasn't a mouse
It wasn't the Easter Bunny
It had a hairy leg
It really meant business
For her Easter Egg
Before she knew it
She was sniffing like mad
She could smell everything
Somethings good, somethings bad
Pimples exploded
All over her face
They kept coming and going
At a furious pace
She was rude, she was ratty
She was quite a mean cow
She wouldn't stop eating
She didn't know how
She was spending the cash
Like a billionaire
She couldn't stop buying
She didn't come up for air
Dinners comprised
Bar-Ones and Cheese
She was horrid, she was wicked
She never said please
For nine months she punished
Everyone in her sight
She never took a break
Not even at night
And then all of a sudden
The baby was here
What a joy, what a miracle
There was lots of cheer
And just as Husband thought
Of his sentence, he was free
Her milk arrived
As it does on day three
And the tears overflowed
And the panic set in
And the hormones left her
In an absolute spin
The moral of this story
is actually quite simple
Be very afraid
when she sprouts her first pimple
If you think she'll return
to her normal sane self
Think again,
realise that "the old her" will remain on the shelf
She's been replaced by a loony
a hormonal nightmare
And she'll behave like a Banshee
She really won't care
So take comfort in knowing
It's not you who is batty
She's gone off her rocker
She's not naturally ratty
It's the reason why women
live longer than men
What else can I say other than
Good Luck, God bless and Amen
Gen x
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Pamphlet Peril
Since pregnancy, I have been bombarded with pamphlets. Short concise paragraphs on "How To..."
You can't help it.. you sit in the gynae's office and staring you in the face is a pamphlet entitled:
And so the series of thoughts commences..pretty much in this order:
Thought 1: What the hell is colic?
Thought 2: Am I a bad mother because I don't know what colic is?
Thought 3: My child won't have colic.
Thought 4: What if my child has colic?
Thought 5: I better take the pamphlet in case he has colic.
All this goes through the female brain in approximately 2 seconds..as Woman discreetly reaches forward, pulls a pamphlet off the pile and places it in her handbag.
"What's that for?" Husband innocently asks.
"Colic my love, just for our records"
"What's colic?"
Woman sighs..."Really now Husband, after all the websites, the classes, the discussions how can you not know what colic is? Are you aware that we are having this kid in 7 months time? I mean...get it together...jeez!"
"Ok Sorry Wife, I'll read the pamphlet...don't aggravate the hormones!I wonder if you have to become a cow in order to produce milk?
Of course you then read this pamphlet and its full of tips and hints for managing colic...and you, being undiscerning and pregnant, happily think you've got it all together, its easy, just follow the pamphlet's advice.
It is however, only after your little one is born that the sudden shuddering reality hits home... this pamphlet is the biggest load of crap!
For example:
Pamphlet advice: Colic causes inconsolable crying in babies. This may happen during the hours of 16h00 to 19h00.
The real deal: Colic causes inconsolable screaming in babies. This may happen ALL DAY LONG in two minute intervals - so he can catch his breath to continue screaming!
Pamphlet advice: During this time of crying, try to relax your baby, place him in a calm soothing environment, rub olive oil on his tummy, have a warm bath, read a magazine, take a break and soothe baby in shifts with Husband.
The real deal During this time of screaming, baby will be blue in the face,the more you try to relax him, the more he will cry. DO NOT TOUCH HIM OR ATTEMPT CONTACT AT THIS TIME - HE WILL FREAK OUT - PUT THE OLIVE OIL DOWN. If you can hear yourself over the screaming you are in a soothing environment - count your blessings. You will not have a free hand to run a warm bath, actually, during SUICIDE HOURS you may want to avoid all water or balconies. Important: If you have time to read a magazine, your child does not have colic. If Husband volunteers to help you through this, be suspicious...be very suspicious!
The other pamphlet in my experience that needs to be blown out the water is:
Firstly, if it was so earthy and natural, then why would we need a pamphlet on it?
Secondly.. well let me explain
Pamphlet advice The World Heath Organisation advocates exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months.
Really..what the hell is that recommendation meant to do other than put you on the biggest guilt trip ever!
Pamphlet advice Breastfeeding has been around since early mankind.
Decoded, this is meant to make you feel like an idiot.. The natural thought...if cavewoman could do this and her brain was 1/10th our size, then if you struggle to breastfeed you must be really stupid and incompetent!
Pamphlet advice Latch your baby on to your nipple and begin the wonderful experience of breastfeeding. A correct latch will be painless.
The real deal When your baby latches, you will feel fire through your breast, it will be worse than giving birth...like passing needles through your nipple! If your nipple cracks, purchase Lansinoh, the world's smallest but most expensive ointment. This will last you approximately 3 feeds before you go bankrupt.
Pamphlet advice A major benefit to breastfeeding is the cost..its totally free!
The real deal When you battle to latch, consult a lactation consultant. At R450 a pop you are bound to latch correctly. Be assured that your baby will feed beautifully in front of this woman but the second she leaves, you (being incompetent of course) and your baby will forget all that has been taught and will then need to meet with her for 8 feeds per day x R450 x 6 months(180 days) before you declare INSOLVENCY.
I must be honest, I look back and laugh at how idealistic I was when I was pregnant.
In my mind, my child would latch automatically, he would never have colic, he would sleep through the night at 6 weeks, he would feed 4 hourly.
Let me be the one to break the silence, if you meet a mother and her baby is doing all of the above...SHE IS LYING!!!!
You can't help it.. you sit in the gynae's office and staring you in the face is a pamphlet entitled:
Dealing with Colic - how to help your child
And so the series of thoughts commences..pretty much in this order:
Thought 1: What the hell is colic?
Thought 2: Am I a bad mother because I don't know what colic is?
Thought 3: My child won't have colic.
Thought 4: What if my child has colic?
Thought 5: I better take the pamphlet in case he has colic.
All this goes through the female brain in approximately 2 seconds..as Woman discreetly reaches forward, pulls a pamphlet off the pile and places it in her handbag.
"What's that for?" Husband innocently asks.
"Colic my love, just for our records"
"What's colic?"
Woman sighs..."Really now Husband, after all the websites, the classes, the discussions how can you not know what colic is? Are you aware that we are having this kid in 7 months time? I mean...get it together...jeez!"
"Ok Sorry Wife, I'll read the pamphlet...don't aggravate the hormones!I wonder if you have to become a cow in order to produce milk?
Of course you then read this pamphlet and its full of tips and hints for managing colic...and you, being undiscerning and pregnant, happily think you've got it all together, its easy, just follow the pamphlet's advice.
It is however, only after your little one is born that the sudden shuddering reality hits home... this pamphlet is the biggest load of crap!
For example:
Pamphlet advice: Colic causes inconsolable crying in babies. This may happen during the hours of 16h00 to 19h00.
The real deal: Colic causes inconsolable screaming in babies. This may happen ALL DAY LONG in two minute intervals - so he can catch his breath to continue screaming!
Pamphlet advice: During this time of crying, try to relax your baby, place him in a calm soothing environment, rub olive oil on his tummy, have a warm bath, read a magazine, take a break and soothe baby in shifts with Husband.
The real deal During this time of screaming, baby will be blue in the face,the more you try to relax him, the more he will cry. DO NOT TOUCH HIM OR ATTEMPT CONTACT AT THIS TIME - HE WILL FREAK OUT - PUT THE OLIVE OIL DOWN. If you can hear yourself over the screaming you are in a soothing environment - count your blessings. You will not have a free hand to run a warm bath, actually, during SUICIDE HOURS you may want to avoid all water or balconies. Important: If you have time to read a magazine, your child does not have colic. If Husband volunteers to help you through this, be suspicious...be very suspicious!
The other pamphlet in my experience that needs to be blown out the water is:
How to breastfeed your baby successfully
Firstly, if it was so earthy and natural, then why would we need a pamphlet on it?
Secondly.. well let me explain
Pamphlet advice The World Heath Organisation advocates exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months.
Really..what the hell is that recommendation meant to do other than put you on the biggest guilt trip ever!
Pamphlet advice Breastfeeding has been around since early mankind.
Decoded, this is meant to make you feel like an idiot.. The natural thought...if cavewoman could do this and her brain was 1/10th our size, then if you struggle to breastfeed you must be really stupid and incompetent!
Pamphlet advice Latch your baby on to your nipple and begin the wonderful experience of breastfeeding. A correct latch will be painless.
The real deal When your baby latches, you will feel fire through your breast, it will be worse than giving birth...like passing needles through your nipple! If your nipple cracks, purchase Lansinoh, the world's smallest but most expensive ointment. This will last you approximately 3 feeds before you go bankrupt.
Pamphlet advice A major benefit to breastfeeding is the cost..its totally free!
The real deal When you battle to latch, consult a lactation consultant. At R450 a pop you are bound to latch correctly. Be assured that your baby will feed beautifully in front of this woman but the second she leaves, you (being incompetent of course) and your baby will forget all that has been taught and will then need to meet with her for 8 feeds per day x R450 x 6 months(180 days) before you declare INSOLVENCY.
I must be honest, I look back and laugh at how idealistic I was when I was pregnant.
In my mind, my child would latch automatically, he would never have colic, he would sleep through the night at 6 weeks, he would feed 4 hourly.
Let me be the one to break the silence, if you meet a mother and her baby is doing all of the above...SHE IS LYING!!!!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sickie
I've dreaded this moment since he was born. I always knew that one day it would come, statistically this had to happen and so... last week, my fears and dread came to fruition.
What started off as a simple cough and splutter turned into RSV (Respiratory Something Virus).
This is fancy Paediatrician code for BABY FLU and BRONCHITIS.
So no worries, I've got all the pamphlets, I've done the internet search, I'm prepared - intellectually that is.
But there is something decidedly heartbreaking about watching a 14 week old baby cough his lungs out and stare at you with glassy red eyes as if to say, "What the hell is happening to me?"
But, as it is, in keeping with the nature of the blog, I did manage to find some humour in the whole experience... so here we go...
THE PAEDIATRICIAN VISIT
Mother: Doctor, my baby is violently ill
Doctor: What seems to be the problem? Violently ill?..Yeah right 10th dramatic woman I've seen today
Mother: Coughing, choking, red eyes, decreased appetite, he's not himself, he doesn't smile, he doesn't laugh, and while I'm here, when should he "find his feet" per the milestone chart?
Mother prays silently..Please God let me remember all the symptoms. If I miss one will he be ok, will I be the mother who missed the crucial symptom that could have stopped this whole thing from happening?
Doctor: Ok calm down lunatic woman remove his clothing and lets take a look.
Mother removes clothing... all of a sudden as it to spite mother, BABY COOS and Smiles at Doctor as if nothing is wrong.
Baby: That's it, I'll show you up, this is payback for not letting me play at 3 AM...
Doctor: Is he wheezing? Look at this cute happy baby - with its wierd mother!
Think quickly, I don't remember him wheezing, what's wheezing? Maybe... should I just be safe and say yes in case he wheezed and it happened to be when I was in the shower and I missed it?
Mother: Yes, absolutely, he's definately wheezing.
Doctor: Ok...That's a definite No!
Doctor: Listen to me and relax, he'll be fine, 90% of babies get this before the age of 2, breathing is important, not coughing. Just listen to his breathing. If it is intense, he may need some help and we may admit him and give him oxygen.. but he is not there yet, not even close so relax.
Doctor: Oh shit, I can see the look on this chick's face, all she's heard is Oxygen, admit him, he's there
Mother: Shit, Admit him, I cannot believe this is happening!
Doctor: Listen to me again, listen to the breathing, it must be easy for him to breath, otherwise call me.
Doctor: Crap, why did I have to say that. Now this chick is going to phone me 24/7 to listen to her kid breathe over the phone
Mother: Great, I'll just be safe and call the Doctor 2 hourly to let her check his breathing over the phone.
Doctor: I can see the look on your face, you won't miss it if he struggles to breathe. It will be blatantly obvious.
Mother: Ok Doctor, I'll relax, I trust you, I just don't trust me..Yeah right, you don't know me, I wouldn't notice if a meteor landed right in front of my car, I'd drive around it, I'm dozy and unaware...
Doctor: Why did I do this for a living? What sins am I paying for... mental note to receptionist, lose Lunatic Mother's File and make no further appointments..
Doctor: Call me in a few days if you are not managing...Remember the Hypocratic Oath..Remember the Hypocratic Oath...This is why I don't charge Medical Aid rates.
Mother: I'm sure I'll be fine..whatever, I'm calling you as soon as I get to the car.
And so this is how this visit came to pass.
And let me tell you, nursing a sick baby is by no means fun...its a black hole - no light comes in, nothing comes out... just you, baby and the virus trapped in a room with a humidifier for days and days on end.
So...finally I can say that he's almost there. I'm so proud, we got through the worst part, he is such a little fighter!
And just as I was about to boast to the family about what a great nurse I am, I felt a sudden sense of dizziness come on...
As I finish this post to my blog, I can tell you that BABY is sleeping peacefully while mother is pouring baby's meds into her nose, nebulizing herself and wondering where her mommy is to nurse her - Mother is definately Wheezing (I Think)!!
What started off as a simple cough and splutter turned into RSV (Respiratory Something Virus).
This is fancy Paediatrician code for BABY FLU and BRONCHITIS.
So no worries, I've got all the pamphlets, I've done the internet search, I'm prepared - intellectually that is.
But there is something decidedly heartbreaking about watching a 14 week old baby cough his lungs out and stare at you with glassy red eyes as if to say, "What the hell is happening to me?"
But, as it is, in keeping with the nature of the blog, I did manage to find some humour in the whole experience... so here we go...
THE PAEDIATRICIAN VISIT
Mother: Doctor, my baby is violently ill
Doctor: What seems to be the problem? Violently ill?..Yeah right 10th dramatic woman I've seen today
Mother: Coughing, choking, red eyes, decreased appetite, he's not himself, he doesn't smile, he doesn't laugh, and while I'm here, when should he "find his feet" per the milestone chart?
Mother prays silently..Please God let me remember all the symptoms. If I miss one will he be ok, will I be the mother who missed the crucial symptom that could have stopped this whole thing from happening?
Doctor: Ok calm down lunatic woman remove his clothing and lets take a look.
Mother removes clothing... all of a sudden as it to spite mother, BABY COOS and Smiles at Doctor as if nothing is wrong.
Baby: That's it, I'll show you up, this is payback for not letting me play at 3 AM...
Doctor: Is he wheezing? Look at this cute happy baby - with its wierd mother!
Think quickly, I don't remember him wheezing, what's wheezing? Maybe... should I just be safe and say yes in case he wheezed and it happened to be when I was in the shower and I missed it?
Mother: Yes, absolutely, he's definately wheezing.
Doctor: Ok...That's a definite No!
Doctor: Listen to me and relax, he'll be fine, 90% of babies get this before the age of 2, breathing is important, not coughing. Just listen to his breathing. If it is intense, he may need some help and we may admit him and give him oxygen.. but he is not there yet, not even close so relax.
Doctor: Oh shit, I can see the look on this chick's face, all she's heard is Oxygen, admit him, he's there
Mother: Shit, Admit him, I cannot believe this is happening!
Doctor: Listen to me again, listen to the breathing, it must be easy for him to breath, otherwise call me.
Doctor: Crap, why did I have to say that. Now this chick is going to phone me 24/7 to listen to her kid breathe over the phone
Mother: Great, I'll just be safe and call the Doctor 2 hourly to let her check his breathing over the phone.
Doctor: I can see the look on your face, you won't miss it if he struggles to breathe. It will be blatantly obvious.
Mother: Ok Doctor, I'll relax, I trust you, I just don't trust me..Yeah right, you don't know me, I wouldn't notice if a meteor landed right in front of my car, I'd drive around it, I'm dozy and unaware...
Doctor: Why did I do this for a living? What sins am I paying for... mental note to receptionist, lose Lunatic Mother's File and make no further appointments..
Doctor: Call me in a few days if you are not managing...Remember the Hypocratic Oath..Remember the Hypocratic Oath...This is why I don't charge Medical Aid rates.
Mother: I'm sure I'll be fine..whatever, I'm calling you as soon as I get to the car.
And so this is how this visit came to pass.
And let me tell you, nursing a sick baby is by no means fun...its a black hole - no light comes in, nothing comes out... just you, baby and the virus trapped in a room with a humidifier for days and days on end.
So...finally I can say that he's almost there. I'm so proud, we got through the worst part, he is such a little fighter!
And just as I was about to boast to the family about what a great nurse I am, I felt a sudden sense of dizziness come on...
As I finish this post to my blog, I can tell you that BABY is sleeping peacefully while mother is pouring baby's meds into her nose, nebulizing herself and wondering where her mommy is to nurse her - Mother is definately Wheezing (I Think)!!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Do you really know the difference....really?
I am a fully qualified chartered accountant. I have consolidated sets of financials that would confuse Confucious. I have delved into the horrendous depths of IFRS and The Income Tax Act...and to be honest, I really think that I am capable of deriving logical conclusions from a standard set of facts... after all this is what I am trained to do...
So why is it that I am completely unable to decipher the difference between Pampers and Huggies,
Nuk, Avent, Pigeon and Dr Browns,
Nan 1 and S26 Gold?
What am I missing about "baby life" that has caused me to stare at these products in the BABY CITY aisle as if they were coded in a foreign language?
Don't even bother asking around... you're guaranteed to get conflicting answers from the "know it all" moms.
Question: "Know it all" - What nappies do I use?
Answer:
WHAT?? Are you serious? How does this chick know all of this? Did I miss a hormone in pregnancy that gives you this divine understanding?
My first time at Baby City was totally overwhelming.. I stood in front of the bottle aisle feeling like a failure weighing up my options.
First choice...Glass or Plastic.. Ummmm... Plastic I guess, I'm a bit of a clutz so glass could be quite dangerous? (I think).
So..ok...pick a brand...
Well I don't want Pigeon (only because it makes me think of Pigeons. Pigeons are dirty - I have no other reason, let alone a logical one).
I don't want Dr Browns (because the name makes me think that only sick kids would drink out of that bottle).
Now... AVENT or NUK...
Shit... I'm out of eliminations, so I do the logical accounting thing.. Pro's and Cons.
NUK is German... Home of Mercedes Benz, VW, Michael Schumacher.. I would imagine they would make these bottles the same way they make a BMW..Sheer Precision!
Avent.. well I don't know who makes AVENT...ok...
DECISION MADE... NUK!
Now, Wide Neck or Slim Neck, Small, Medium or Large Hole, Silicon or Latex... MAKE IT STOP!!!???
Are you actually kidding me... its like a test with never-ending questions...
As soon as you make a decision, somebody jumps out from behind the wall saying... "AHA... you are not finished yet... you don't really have a clue and I'll prove it to you...BAD MOTHER... BAD EARTH MOTHER!!".
Then.. you'll get home, 8 NUK WIDE NECK ANTI COLIC Bottles with 6 sets of small, medium and large holes in a variety of silicon and latex teats.. and you'll read an article with the headline...
And your luck... you've just spent R800 on bottles and your bottles are not BPA Free...
The point of this blog is, you'll never get it right... you'll buy NUK and then to your horror your baby will end up being a PIGEON CEREAL TEAT drinker (and you will be haunted by images of Pigeons every time you sterilise or feed).
So, taking the risk of being classified as a "know it all" mother.. I'm prepared to let you in on the final decision I made..
it was actually quite simple, fail proof and is fully in line with my accounting tendencies....
I methodically removed all the choices!
PICK THE MOST EXPENSIVE PRODUCT AND BUY LOTS OF IT!!
That way, you'll probably get the best product (quality and price often are directly related)...
And if you don't... you'll force yourself to keep it because you've spent so much money anyway, you can't afford to change!
It's as simple as that...
Much Love
Gen x
So why is it that I am completely unable to decipher the difference between Pampers and Huggies,
Nuk, Avent, Pigeon and Dr Browns,
Nan 1 and S26 Gold?
What am I missing about "baby life" that has caused me to stare at these products in the BABY CITY aisle as if they were coded in a foreign language?
Don't even bother asking around... you're guaranteed to get conflicting answers from the "know it all" moms.
Question: "Know it all" - What nappies do I use?
Answer:
Pampers are excellent on Newborns, then they tend to leak when your baby is about 3 months (mine never did because my baby's nappy has never leaked - I always change in time) but if this is so, switch over to Huggies No 2's for about 6 months, then if its a girl, switch back to pampers until you are about to potty train at which point you revert to Huggies Pull-Ups.. that is of course unless you want to use Dischem's Cuddlers?
WHAT?? Are you serious? How does this chick know all of this? Did I miss a hormone in pregnancy that gives you this divine understanding?
My first time at Baby City was totally overwhelming.. I stood in front of the bottle aisle feeling like a failure weighing up my options.
First choice...Glass or Plastic.. Ummmm... Plastic I guess, I'm a bit of a clutz so glass could be quite dangerous? (I think).
So..ok...pick a brand...
Well I don't want Pigeon (only because it makes me think of Pigeons. Pigeons are dirty - I have no other reason, let alone a logical one).
I don't want Dr Browns (because the name makes me think that only sick kids would drink out of that bottle).
Now... AVENT or NUK...
Shit... I'm out of eliminations, so I do the logical accounting thing.. Pro's and Cons.
NUK is German... Home of Mercedes Benz, VW, Michael Schumacher.. I would imagine they would make these bottles the same way they make a BMW..Sheer Precision!
Avent.. well I don't know who makes AVENT...ok...
DECISION MADE... NUK!
Now, Wide Neck or Slim Neck, Small, Medium or Large Hole, Silicon or Latex... MAKE IT STOP!!!???
Are you actually kidding me... its like a test with never-ending questions...
As soon as you make a decision, somebody jumps out from behind the wall saying... "AHA... you are not finished yet... you don't really have a clue and I'll prove it to you...BAD MOTHER... BAD EARTH MOTHER!!".
Then.. you'll get home, 8 NUK WIDE NECK ANTI COLIC Bottles with 6 sets of small, medium and large holes in a variety of silicon and latex teats.. and you'll read an article with the headline...
IS YOUR BOTTLE BPA FREE? - BPA IS A DANGER TO YOUR BABY
And your luck... you've just spent R800 on bottles and your bottles are not BPA Free...
The point of this blog is, you'll never get it right... you'll buy NUK and then to your horror your baby will end up being a PIGEON CEREAL TEAT drinker (and you will be haunted by images of Pigeons every time you sterilise or feed).
So, taking the risk of being classified as a "know it all" mother.. I'm prepared to let you in on the final decision I made..
it was actually quite simple, fail proof and is fully in line with my accounting tendencies....
I methodically removed all the choices!
PICK THE MOST EXPENSIVE PRODUCT AND BUY LOTS OF IT!!
That way, you'll probably get the best product (quality and price often are directly related)...
And if you don't... you'll force yourself to keep it because you've spent so much money anyway, you can't afford to change!
It's as simple as that...
Much Love
Gen x
Monday, April 5, 2010
Milestone Mania
One of my favourite experiences of motherhood is watching my baby develop. Every day, this little miracle of mine changes before my eyes.
I tell Husband, "Baby smiled today... its because I smile at him every 20 minutes" or "Baby made ooh noises... its because I played him Queen when he was in the womb"
I get such a kick out of seeing him develop and grow, and of course, every time he does something new, I pat myself on the back, a proud mother hen, full of self praise!
To be honest though,I think all moms (especially first timers) take the development process a little too personally. Achievements are a direct result of your hard work and effort, perceived delays are all due to the glass of wine you had when you didn't know you were pregnant.
I mean, we are all so hell bent on not missing a beat, giving our child the best, seizing the day...its natural, survival of the fittest, and we all want our kids to have everything they need to be the fittest (well at least I do anyway).
The culmination of this has to be the dreaded Milestone Chart!
This guideline of information is both revered and loathed.
Consider the following:
Before you read a milestone article or analyse the chart, a warning is given to you...
Ok, so spare me a few embellishments but this is pretty much what every preamble to the milestone chart reads.
Unfortunately, all every mother reads is...
Its insane, I mean, I cannot explain why, but this is exactly what I read.
Because no matter how much I'm reassured that the chart is a guideline, I am hell bent on treating it as a rule book.
My baby is three months old. Of the list of five things he should have done, he's done four. The only thing he hasn't done is, find his feet.
Well, I'll admit it, since I read this I've dedicated play time to pulling his feet out from under him and shoving them in his face.
Not that he cared or even noticed... and what did this teach me..
NOTHING... sadly absolutely NOTHING. I need therapy! Tomorrow I'll be shoving his feet in his face again... all because the chart said so!
So ladies, join me in your psychosis and take comfort from one delusional mother to the next because I openly admit that nothing will change the way we as mothers deal with this damn chart..
I only hope Baby will eventually associate my "feet shoving" with total absolute LOVE!
Gen x
I tell Husband, "Baby smiled today... its because I smile at him every 20 minutes" or "Baby made ooh noises... its because I played him Queen when he was in the womb"
I get such a kick out of seeing him develop and grow, and of course, every time he does something new, I pat myself on the back, a proud mother hen, full of self praise!
To be honest though,I think all moms (especially first timers) take the development process a little too personally. Achievements are a direct result of your hard work and effort, perceived delays are all due to the glass of wine you had when you didn't know you were pregnant.
I mean, we are all so hell bent on not missing a beat, giving our child the best, seizing the day...its natural, survival of the fittest, and we all want our kids to have everything they need to be the fittest (well at least I do anyway).
The culmination of this has to be the dreaded Milestone Chart!
This guideline of information is both revered and loathed.
Consider the following:
Before you read a milestone article or analyse the chart, a warning is given to you...
Phsychotic Mothers..Do Not Take this chart literally. Babies develop at their own pace. Do not worry if your child is late. Do not reward yourself if your child is early, Do not run to your paediatrician because your child has not rolled over by 2 months. If you take this chart seriously, you are abnormal and we will laugh at you and take your money anyway for unnecessary developmental assessments.
Ok, so spare me a few embellishments but this is pretty much what every preamble to the milestone chart reads.
Unfortunately, all every mother reads is...
Mothers..Take this chart literally. Babies develop. Worry if your child is late. Reward yourself if your child is early, Run to your paediatrician. Child roll 2 months. Take this chart seriously, you are normal. We will take your money for developmental assessments.
Its insane, I mean, I cannot explain why, but this is exactly what I read.
Because no matter how much I'm reassured that the chart is a guideline, I am hell bent on treating it as a rule book.
My baby is three months old. Of the list of five things he should have done, he's done four. The only thing he hasn't done is, find his feet.
Well, I'll admit it, since I read this I've dedicated play time to pulling his feet out from under him and shoving them in his face.
Not that he cared or even noticed... and what did this teach me..
NOTHING... sadly absolutely NOTHING. I need therapy! Tomorrow I'll be shoving his feet in his face again... all because the chart said so!
So ladies, join me in your psychosis and take comfort from one delusional mother to the next because I openly admit that nothing will change the way we as mothers deal with this damn chart..
I only hope Baby will eventually associate my "feet shoving" with total absolute LOVE!
Gen x
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Stiletto Heel vs Spitty Shoulder
I was thinking the other day that there is nothing quite like the feeling of saliva dribbling down your shoulder.
There is something about it, it just hits you out of nowhere, the surprising warmth you feel as it gently seep into your shirt, its almost comforting. But don't be fooled, this is not true comfort, this is reality... pack away the Gucci doll...
This is the life of first time mother...aka...Spitty Shoulder!
Spitty Shoulder has had to end her life long friendship with Stiletto Heel..
Unfortunately since the birth of Spitty's baby, they don't have much in common.
Stiletto wakes up rested after a well deserved 8 hour snooze to shower, exfoliate, cream her cuticles and shape her eyebrows.
By morning, Spitty hasn't yet been to bed, she falls into the shower, uses Husband's soap because its the closest and seriously considers shaving her eyebrows (perhaps its quicker?)
Stiletto carefully selects her garments for the day, being mindful to colour code the items and to fall in line with the season's trends.
Spitty can't find her black maternity pants, you know the ones with the rubber waisted band - Spitty also can't find the hour glass waist she used to possess. Spitty throws on the baggiest, saggiest, frumpiest frock from her selection of floral dresses. What is it with maternity wear anyway? - I mean why the hell must everything be floral? Spitty cannot understand why blossoming and blooming is literally taken literally?
Stiletto pops in her Mini Cooper, sun roof off, Michael Buble on and whisks herself off to work in her corporate job. She is of course, 90 minutes early (to impress her bosses).
Spitty throws Spetite (baby) into her Family VW, spends 45 minutes negotiating the buckle of the car seat, spends another 10 minutes pacifying a now crying Spetite, secures the tinted windows, child locks all doors, and speeds through the traffic, muttering fowl obscenities under her breathe to all living beings in between verses of "Ten Green Bottles".
Stiletto reads the Cosmopolitan, carefully taking mental notes about relationships, fashion and Lindsay Lohan.
Spitty reads "Your baby and Toddler" carefully tearing out the pages about milestones, pain and fever and sleep training.
Stiletto has a mild headache, she books herself off work for a week citing "need to improve stress management - health compromised".
Spitty sees spots in front of her eyes and has suspiciously tried to wind and feed Husband the dummy for the past few days... she ignores these symptoms completely citing "Is that poo I smell?" .
Stiletto goes to bed, face mask applied, cosmo in hand.
Spitty goes to bed, bottles sterilised, nappy secured.
Stiletto thinks of her old friend Spitty, the fun they used to have.
Spitty thinks of nothing... she's got 45 minutes before Spetite wakes up and she damn well is going to sleep!
During the night, it was said that Spetite smiled at Spitty, briefly and instantly.. Spitty knew it was all worth it!!!
There is something about it, it just hits you out of nowhere, the surprising warmth you feel as it gently seep into your shirt, its almost comforting. But don't be fooled, this is not true comfort, this is reality... pack away the Gucci doll...
This is the life of first time mother...aka...Spitty Shoulder!
Spitty Shoulder has had to end her life long friendship with Stiletto Heel..
Unfortunately since the birth of Spitty's baby, they don't have much in common.
Stiletto wakes up rested after a well deserved 8 hour snooze to shower, exfoliate, cream her cuticles and shape her eyebrows.
By morning, Spitty hasn't yet been to bed, she falls into the shower, uses Husband's soap because its the closest and seriously considers shaving her eyebrows (perhaps its quicker?)
Stiletto carefully selects her garments for the day, being mindful to colour code the items and to fall in line with the season's trends.
Spitty can't find her black maternity pants, you know the ones with the rubber waisted band - Spitty also can't find the hour glass waist she used to possess. Spitty throws on the baggiest, saggiest, frumpiest frock from her selection of floral dresses. What is it with maternity wear anyway? - I mean why the hell must everything be floral? Spitty cannot understand why blossoming and blooming is literally taken literally?
Stiletto pops in her Mini Cooper, sun roof off, Michael Buble on and whisks herself off to work in her corporate job. She is of course, 90 minutes early (to impress her bosses).
Spitty throws Spetite (baby) into her Family VW, spends 45 minutes negotiating the buckle of the car seat, spends another 10 minutes pacifying a now crying Spetite, secures the tinted windows, child locks all doors, and speeds through the traffic, muttering fowl obscenities under her breathe to all living beings in between verses of "Ten Green Bottles".
Stiletto reads the Cosmopolitan, carefully taking mental notes about relationships, fashion and Lindsay Lohan.
Spitty reads "Your baby and Toddler" carefully tearing out the pages about milestones, pain and fever and sleep training.
Stiletto has a mild headache, she books herself off work for a week citing "need to improve stress management - health compromised".
Spitty sees spots in front of her eyes and has suspiciously tried to wind and feed Husband the dummy for the past few days... she ignores these symptoms completely citing "Is that poo I smell?" .
Stiletto goes to bed, face mask applied, cosmo in hand.
Spitty goes to bed, bottles sterilised, nappy secured.
Stiletto thinks of her old friend Spitty, the fun they used to have.
Spitty thinks of nothing... she's got 45 minutes before Spetite wakes up and she damn well is going to sleep!
During the night, it was said that Spetite smiled at Spitty, briefly and instantly.. Spitty knew it was all worth it!!!
Timetable of a desperate mother
Timetable of a desperate mother
I'm from the 21st century, I have routines, deadlines, a ringing cellphone! I mean I cook dinner with one hand, respond to emails with the other, I listen to my husband rattle off our bond repayments using analytical left brain and still find the willpower to depress myself over not losing the baby weight quickly enough (right brain's sense of artistic narcissism or slow releasing insanity?)
I think I'm pretty talented at the whole multitasking superwoman gig... but to be totally honest, the last few months have sent me for a six!
It is a common and well known fact that sleep deprivation is a highly effective torture technique - so what the hell was mother earth thinking when she designed newborn babies? If I had to rate the effect of sleep deprivation, I would say that waking up every couple of minutes is like being in prison and newborns are Abu Ghraib...
Here is my extremely candid account of "the other night"... A TRUE STORY!
17h00: Feed him
17h30: Bath him
18h00: Rock him vigorously to stop the screaming!!!
19h00: He falls asleep... "This is so easy, What is everyone complaining about?"
19h05: He wakes up..."Please God, I take it all back... I promise to be humble and to never think arrogant thoughts again... bless all the other mothers.. please make my baby sleep"
19h30: He falls asleep again
19h30-23h30: I do all the work that I was supposed to have done in the day when I was feeding, playing and rocking
23h30: He wakes up, I feed him - This takes an hour!
00h30: I crawl into bed
02h30: I hear cooing on the monitor - I convince myself it is not him, its just a bird.
02h35: I hear screaming on the monitor... who is killing birds at two in the morning?
02h40: I wrench myself out of bed and feed him - THIS TAKES AN HOUR!!!
03h40: He is wide eyed and wants to play - I put him in bed and hope for the best
03h45: More cooing on the monitor - I tell Husband he better do the next feed or I want a divorce! NO REPLY
03h50: Silence on the monitor - could it be...heaven!
04h15: Coughing and choking... WHAT - Husband and I bolt upright! (The new thing - when crying is ignored, baby chokes himself to get our attention)
04h17: Husband gets hit in the face by a deadweight arm - CHECK ON HIM!!!
04h19: All clear... nothing wrong
05h30: Cooing.....%^@#!!!
05h30: Husband: "Babe - what could it be?"
05h31: A Bird??? - Please GOD!!!
05h32: Its not a bird... I beg Husband to wake up - he pretends to be unconscious.
05h33: Screaming, coughing, choking..... I get up even though I cannot feel my legs...I give baby his bottle.
05h45: He drinks 1/3 of the bottle.....
05h46: Witnesses testify that they saw a baby being thrown at an unconscious man while he lay sleeping peacefully in his bed!
06h00: Husband wakes up - shouts at wife and says that Nanny must start work earlier
"What time would you like her to start" I say
"4 am " he replies
Silence... husband does not think this is unreasonable... Wife is considering the idea!
06h00-07h00: I blacked out during this time - don't really know what happened
07h00: I wake up to find baby lying in his camp cot, no blanket, staring at the wall - no sight of Husband and the bottle still 2/3 full.
07h15: Husband conveniently starts work at this time - In 6 years of our relationship, he's always woken up at 07h30, All of a sudden urgent meetings are scheduled for 07h15??????? ^%$#!!!!
07h30: Witnesses testify that they saw a baby being thrown at Nanny who arrived for work 3 1/2 hours late!!!
07h30-09h30: Nanny bounces baby for 2 hours while crazy mother drinks loads of coffee and sends out urgent emails.
10h00: Feed him.... REPEAT!!!!
Gen x
I'm from the 21st century, I have routines, deadlines, a ringing cellphone! I mean I cook dinner with one hand, respond to emails with the other, I listen to my husband rattle off our bond repayments using analytical left brain and still find the willpower to depress myself over not losing the baby weight quickly enough (right brain's sense of artistic narcissism or slow releasing insanity?)
I think I'm pretty talented at the whole multitasking superwoman gig... but to be totally honest, the last few months have sent me for a six!
It is a common and well known fact that sleep deprivation is a highly effective torture technique - so what the hell was mother earth thinking when she designed newborn babies? If I had to rate the effect of sleep deprivation, I would say that waking up every couple of minutes is like being in prison and newborns are Abu Ghraib...
Here is my extremely candid account of "the other night"... A TRUE STORY!
17h00: Feed him
17h30: Bath him
18h00: Rock him vigorously to stop the screaming!!!
19h00: He falls asleep... "This is so easy, What is everyone complaining about?"
19h05: He wakes up..."Please God, I take it all back... I promise to be humble and to never think arrogant thoughts again... bless all the other mothers.. please make my baby sleep"
19h30: He falls asleep again
19h30-23h30: I do all the work that I was supposed to have done in the day when I was feeding, playing and rocking
23h30: He wakes up, I feed him - This takes an hour!
00h30: I crawl into bed
02h30: I hear cooing on the monitor - I convince myself it is not him, its just a bird.
02h35: I hear screaming on the monitor... who is killing birds at two in the morning?
02h40: I wrench myself out of bed and feed him - THIS TAKES AN HOUR!!!
03h40: He is wide eyed and wants to play - I put him in bed and hope for the best
03h45: More cooing on the monitor - I tell Husband he better do the next feed or I want a divorce! NO REPLY
03h50: Silence on the monitor - could it be...heaven!
04h15: Coughing and choking... WHAT - Husband and I bolt upright! (The new thing - when crying is ignored, baby chokes himself to get our attention)
04h17: Husband gets hit in the face by a deadweight arm - CHECK ON HIM!!!
04h19: All clear... nothing wrong
05h30: Cooing.....%^@#!!!
05h30: Husband: "Babe - what could it be?"
05h31: A Bird??? - Please GOD!!!
05h32: Its not a bird... I beg Husband to wake up - he pretends to be unconscious.
05h33: Screaming, coughing, choking..... I get up even though I cannot feel my legs...I give baby his bottle.
05h45: He drinks 1/3 of the bottle.....
05h46: Witnesses testify that they saw a baby being thrown at an unconscious man while he lay sleeping peacefully in his bed!
06h00: Husband wakes up - shouts at wife and says that Nanny must start work earlier
"What time would you like her to start" I say
"4 am " he replies
Silence... husband does not think this is unreasonable... Wife is considering the idea!
06h00-07h00: I blacked out during this time - don't really know what happened
07h00: I wake up to find baby lying in his camp cot, no blanket, staring at the wall - no sight of Husband and the bottle still 2/3 full.
07h15: Husband conveniently starts work at this time - In 6 years of our relationship, he's always woken up at 07h30, All of a sudden urgent meetings are scheduled for 07h15??????? ^%$#!!!!
07h30: Witnesses testify that they saw a baby being thrown at Nanny who arrived for work 3 1/2 hours late!!!
07h30-09h30: Nanny bounces baby for 2 hours while crazy mother drinks loads of coffee and sends out urgent emails.
10h00: Feed him.... REPEAT!!!!
Gen x
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