So I cannot understand why I put myself under so much pressure to be Mother Earth.
I mean, it was about time that Baby started solid food, so I dutifully drove myself off to Woolworths and purchased kilogram after kilogram of organic, home grown, chopped and diced gem squash, butternut and carrot.
I had it all planned out. First I would introduce squash.
He would love this.
Three days later I would throw in the butternut, then the carrot.
Then I would start combos of the veggies and he would be thrilled at this new world of textured, wholesome, delicious food.
WRONG!!!!
This is the reality...
1: MOTHER EARTH GROWS HER BABY FOOD IN HER BACKYARD FROM A CAREFULLY CULTIVATED VEGETABLE PATCH
I bought the veggies from Woolworths being extra careful to select organic (what the difference is, I'll never know but who cares, all the health gurus say its better and I don't have the patience to find out why)and being doubly extra careful to go into overdraft!
2: MOTHER EARTH STEAMS HER VEGGIES CAREFUL NOT TO LOSE VALUABLE NUTRIENTS
So pots boiling (not steaming - yet to learn how?? or to care how??) and the veggies were on their way.
3: BLEND SOFT VEGGIES TOGETHER AND FREEZE IN ICE TRAYS
Done - shew - at least I got this part right... I hope.
4: MOTHER EARTH FEEDS BABY VEGETABLES AND TOGETHER THEY ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE OF NEW FOOD
Well.. let me put it this way... it would have been easier to force toxic waste down Baby's throat than to get him to swallow the squash. Armed and ready it was a battle spoon for spoon...
Mother: AAAAHHHHHH UMMMMMMM OOOOOOHHH Delicious....Open Wide... Aeroplane landing...open the garage to park the car/spoon?
Baby: Is this chick actually being serious? What is this crap?
Mother: UMMMM Yay for baby..Open wide... One two buckle my shoe?
Baby: Lets be honest, we all know you can't cook for shit.. and really, do you expect me to actually swallow... Put the spoon DOWN!! I am not swallowing, I don't care how much nik nak paddywack you sing...
Mother: This old man, he played one... EAT... I COMMAND YOU TO EAT!!! Actually...SWALLOW I COMMAND YOU TO SWALLOW!!!
Baby: This should be good... hmmm.. now's about a good time to throw a fit... lets see if I can throw myself out my feeding chair...
Mother: SILENCE... I COMMAND SILENCE!!! lets try butternut...
Baby: WHAT? What the hell is this orange stuff.. It's worse than the stringy yellow stuff... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Mother: Crying is good.. at least the mouth is open.. I know what.. I'll shovel as much as I can into the open mouth... Then when he decides to close it, he'll swallow his lunch!!
SO.. as you can see this procedure went on for a few days before I eventually quit and decided that my kid was not destined for vegetables...
That is of course until he dished me out the worst insult ever.. and lapped up the Purity Sweet Potato in front of my mother with an expression of:
Thank God, I can see she never cooked this... Its actually edible. Where has this stuff been all along.. I love you granny...save me from this other woman.. you know, the one who can't cook!
So I've come to accept that my days as Mother Earth are numbered.
I am trying not to take the whole thing too personally.
But I still wonder where I went wrong with boiling vegetables and blending? How can you actually bugger up something so simple?
Well.. he likes bottled food..its Mother Earth's Nightmare come true!
One two buckle my shoe... Nineteen Twenty.. My Plate is EMPTY!! God bless you Purity..God bless You!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
KNOW ALL ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL
May I just say that no matter what I do, it never seems to be right for the "know it alls"
What I mean is, you can never give the right answer!
All the conversations go something like this...
Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"
Mother: "No, I was not able to feed successfully"
Know it all: "Really? (disapproving look is given) I breastfed exclusively for 6 years before my daughter respectfully requested to drink cows milk! It was fantastic, she's never had a days flu in her life!"
OR
Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"
Mother: "Yes I am breastfeeding"
Know it all: "I never fed a day in my life and my children are perfectly normal. You know its very restrictive to breastfeed especially in public and no one can help you?
You see.. what I'm trying to say is that no matter what I do or say, the right answer is always the opposite... so now what I do is a SMERGE of answers.
Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"
Mother: "Currently I am not breastfeeding, but I did feed for 8 weeks through a breastpump as I was unable to latch successfully. Breastfeeding is great and I wish I could have done it longer but at least I am not restricted publically and socially and there are always people who can help me with my feeds." (There that should shut her up... oh wait here it comes...)
Know it all: You mean you expressed your milk? Double feeding is exhausting, you really should have just gone on to the bottle from the start? I mean there is absolutely no difference!
SIGH...YOU SEE... YOU WILL NEVER WIN!
The best bet is to nod and sit in silence at all the advice that is thrown your way, because if you listen to everyone rehash their pregnancy (35 and 40 years ago) it will basically drive you crazy!
In my quest to silence all of my critics, and hopefully shock them into submission, I have decided to openly admit to all my disapproving motherly actions.
1: My child drinks gripe water by the litre!
2: I breastfed for 10 minutes. I didn't like it!
3: I do not change his nappy every hour and no..he has not ever developed nappy rash!
4: I started him on solids at 16 weeks. He did not want them earlier. He did not want them later. He wanted them at 16 weeks.
5: He still got cramp even though I listened to the advice and put socks on his feet in 30 Degree heat!
6: My child eats three hourly, not two hourly, not four hourly, THREE hourly!
AND FINALLY and MOST IMPORTANTLY...
7: When he screams his lungs out and you are holding him and he doesn't know you, DAMMIT IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU... HE IS NOT HUNGRY!!!
What I mean is, you can never give the right answer!
All the conversations go something like this...
Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"
Mother: "No, I was not able to feed successfully"
Know it all: "Really? (disapproving look is given) I breastfed exclusively for 6 years before my daughter respectfully requested to drink cows milk! It was fantastic, she's never had a days flu in her life!"
OR
Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"
Mother: "Yes I am breastfeeding"
Know it all: "I never fed a day in my life and my children are perfectly normal. You know its very restrictive to breastfeed especially in public and no one can help you?
You see.. what I'm trying to say is that no matter what I do or say, the right answer is always the opposite... so now what I do is a SMERGE of answers.
Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"
Mother: "Currently I am not breastfeeding, but I did feed for 8 weeks through a breastpump as I was unable to latch successfully. Breastfeeding is great and I wish I could have done it longer but at least I am not restricted publically and socially and there are always people who can help me with my feeds." (There that should shut her up... oh wait here it comes...)
Know it all: You mean you expressed your milk? Double feeding is exhausting, you really should have just gone on to the bottle from the start? I mean there is absolutely no difference!
SIGH...YOU SEE... YOU WILL NEVER WIN!
The best bet is to nod and sit in silence at all the advice that is thrown your way, because if you listen to everyone rehash their pregnancy (35 and 40 years ago) it will basically drive you crazy!
In my quest to silence all of my critics, and hopefully shock them into submission, I have decided to openly admit to all my disapproving motherly actions.
1: My child drinks gripe water by the litre!
2: I breastfed for 10 minutes. I didn't like it!
3: I do not change his nappy every hour and no..he has not ever developed nappy rash!
4: I started him on solids at 16 weeks. He did not want them earlier. He did not want them later. He wanted them at 16 weeks.
5: He still got cramp even though I listened to the advice and put socks on his feet in 30 Degree heat!
6: My child eats three hourly, not two hourly, not four hourly, THREE hourly!
AND FINALLY and MOST IMPORTANTLY...
7: When he screams his lungs out and you are holding him and he doesn't know you, DAMMIT IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU... HE IS NOT HUNGRY!!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Are you a first time mother?
Having a baby is all about preparing. You spend your entire life preparing or at least worrying about preparing.
Bottles are washed, sterilised and filled with preboiled water. Formula is measured into the correct scoop quantities. All done so that when the crucial moment arrives its just a swift scoop, shake, remove lid and FEED! Crying minimised, embarrasment avoided.
I'm the master preparer. It's what makes me survive the enduring routine of "baby life". I am Backup Central. Let me explain...
When we are leaving the house for one hour, this is what I pack:
Baby Bag Contents:
5 x Nappies
1 x bag wet wipes
2 x changing mats
1 x bottle of bum cream
1 x receiving blanket
1 x warm cosy blanket
1 x burp cloth (polite way of saying vomit and spit cloth)
2 x baby bibs
1 x spare vest
1 x spare pants
1 x spare top
1 x spare jersey
1 x spare socks
2 x sterilised bottles with preboiled premeasured water
2 x feed cups with premeasured formula
5 x dummies
1 x hand steriliser
1 x flask of boiled water to warm bottles
So with all of this, you'd think the hour out of the house would be incident free....
Well you would be wrong!
I tell you that no matter how much you prepare in advance, life will shower you with its sense of irony.
RULE OF THUMB
The other day I was walking in Woolies doing my weekly food shop. I was so proud of myself, navigating the pram with one hand and a trolley with the other. I was giving all the other mothers the "check me out" look. All of a sudden a women came up to me, clearly exasperated and said, "Oh thank goodness, you are a mommy, you'll definately have a tissue, may I please have one, its an emergency?"
Silence....
Go back and look at my bag's inventory.... EVERYTHING is there, except... tissues.
Silence...
And you can imagine the look on her face when I had to fess up. "Sorry, no tissue, perhaps a wet wipe?"
It was the look I hate, the look I can't stop seem to keep getting.. its the look of:
I found myself explaining to this woman liked I'd failed a test. Normally I have tissues, just not today, I'm not a bad mother, shit, why did she have to ask me for the one thing I don't have... WHY!!!
This was my first incident with the look and since then its a never ending event!
I went for lunch and baby decided to throw a fit in the parking lot while I searched for my car keys. Out of nowhere, this lady arrived..like a moth to a flame.
Lady Speaks: You look like you need help, can I help you?
Lady Thinks: People should be licensed to have children, look what this lunatic woman is doing to this poor cute baby!
Mother Speaks: Oh thank you so much but I'll manage.
Mother Thinks: Leave me alone please so that I can pretend that no one notices that my child is throwing a fit!
Lady Speaks: Are you sure? Are you a first time mother? LOOK IS GIVEN
Lady Thinks: This chick doesn't have a clue what she is doing?
Mother Speaks: Yes, I am a first time mother, hahaha, I'll be fine!
Mother Thinks: Look Lady, I am a first time mother, but that has nothing to do with this, why do I feel the need to explain myself to you, I don't even know you, stop giving me the look, I am perfectly able to calm my child down, leave me alone!!!
Lady Speaks: All right then, Good Luck (Look is given again)
Lady Thinks: First time mothers, ha, such amateurs...She'll learn!
Mother Speaks: Have a nice day!
Mother Thinks: DUCK!
Mother continues to calmly search for her car keys.
Mother frantically searches for car keys.
Mother cannot find car keys with baby in arm.
Mother needs someone to hold baby so she can find car keys.
Mother is sorry she was rude to the kind lady.
CONDESCENDING LADY...PLEASE COME BACK AND HELP INCOMPETENT FIRST TIME MOTHER!!!
Baby is losing his voice!
Mother is in tears.
Mother has run out of swear words.
Mother feels guilty.
Mother finds car keys in her pocket (she put them there in advance so that she would not have to search for them...)
Baby refuses to sit in car seat!
Mother promises to better prepare in future!
Much Love
Gen x
Bottles are washed, sterilised and filled with preboiled water. Formula is measured into the correct scoop quantities. All done so that when the crucial moment arrives its just a swift scoop, shake, remove lid and FEED! Crying minimised, embarrasment avoided.
I'm the master preparer. It's what makes me survive the enduring routine of "baby life". I am Backup Central. Let me explain...
When we are leaving the house for one hour, this is what I pack:
Baby Bag Contents:
5 x Nappies
1 x bag wet wipes
2 x changing mats
1 x bottle of bum cream
1 x receiving blanket
1 x warm cosy blanket
1 x burp cloth (polite way of saying vomit and spit cloth)
2 x baby bibs
1 x spare vest
1 x spare pants
1 x spare top
1 x spare jersey
1 x spare socks
2 x sterilised bottles with preboiled premeasured water
2 x feed cups with premeasured formula
5 x dummies
1 x hand steriliser
1 x flask of boiled water to warm bottles
So with all of this, you'd think the hour out of the house would be incident free....
Well you would be wrong!
I tell you that no matter how much you prepare in advance, life will shower you with its sense of irony.
RULE OF THUMB
If you have everything, you won't need to use the bag.
If you forget something, that will be what your baby needs.
The other day I was walking in Woolies doing my weekly food shop. I was so proud of myself, navigating the pram with one hand and a trolley with the other. I was giving all the other mothers the "check me out" look. All of a sudden a women came up to me, clearly exasperated and said, "Oh thank goodness, you are a mommy, you'll definately have a tissue, may I please have one, its an emergency?"
Silence....
Go back and look at my bag's inventory.... EVERYTHING is there, except... tissues.
Silence...
And you can imagine the look on her face when I had to fess up. "Sorry, no tissue, perhaps a wet wipe?"
It was the look I hate, the look I can't stop seem to keep getting.. its the look of:
Definately a first time mother, she'll learn
I found myself explaining to this woman liked I'd failed a test. Normally I have tissues, just not today, I'm not a bad mother, shit, why did she have to ask me for the one thing I don't have... WHY!!!
This was my first incident with the look and since then its a never ending event!
I went for lunch and baby decided to throw a fit in the parking lot while I searched for my car keys. Out of nowhere, this lady arrived..like a moth to a flame.
Lady Speaks: You look like you need help, can I help you?
Lady Thinks: People should be licensed to have children, look what this lunatic woman is doing to this poor cute baby!
Mother Speaks: Oh thank you so much but I'll manage.
Mother Thinks: Leave me alone please so that I can pretend that no one notices that my child is throwing a fit!
Lady Speaks: Are you sure? Are you a first time mother? LOOK IS GIVEN
Lady Thinks: This chick doesn't have a clue what she is doing?
Mother Speaks: Yes, I am a first time mother, hahaha, I'll be fine!
Mother Thinks: Look Lady, I am a first time mother, but that has nothing to do with this, why do I feel the need to explain myself to you, I don't even know you, stop giving me the look, I am perfectly able to calm my child down, leave me alone!!!
Lady Speaks: All right then, Good Luck (Look is given again)
Lady Thinks: First time mothers, ha, such amateurs...She'll learn!
Mother Speaks: Have a nice day!
Mother Thinks: DUCK!
Mother continues to calmly search for her car keys.
Mother frantically searches for car keys.
Mother cannot find car keys with baby in arm.
Mother needs someone to hold baby so she can find car keys.
Mother is sorry she was rude to the kind lady.
CONDESCENDING LADY...PLEASE COME BACK AND HELP INCOMPETENT FIRST TIME MOTHER!!!
Baby is losing his voice!
Mother is in tears.
Mother has run out of swear words.
Mother feels guilty.
Mother finds car keys in her pocket (she put them there in advance so that she would not have to search for them...)
Baby refuses to sit in car seat!
Mother gives herself the look!
Mother promises to better prepare in future!
Much Love
Gen x
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