Are you a first time mother?

Having a baby is all about preparing. You spend your entire life preparing or at least worrying about preparing.

Bottles are washed, sterilised and filled with preboiled water. Formula is measured into the correct scoop quantities. All done so that when the crucial moment arrives its just a swift scoop, shake, remove lid and FEED! Crying minimised, embarrasment avoided.

I'm the master preparer. It's what makes me survive the enduring routine of "baby life". I am Backup Central. Let me explain...
When we are leaving the house for one hour, this is what I pack:

Baby Bag Contents:

5 x Nappies
1 x bag wet wipes
2 x changing mats
1 x bottle of bum cream
1 x receiving blanket
1 x warm cosy blanket
1 x burp cloth (polite way of saying vomit and spit cloth)
2 x baby bibs
1 x spare vest
1 x spare pants
1 x spare top
1 x spare jersey
1 x spare socks
2 x sterilised bottles with preboiled premeasured water
2 x feed cups with premeasured formula
5 x dummies
1 x hand steriliser
1 x flask of boiled water to warm bottles

So with all of this, you'd think the hour out of the house would be incident free....

Well you would be wrong!

I tell you that no matter how much you prepare in advance, life will shower you with its sense of irony.

RULE OF THUMB

If you have everything, you won't need to use the bag.
If you forget something, that will be what your baby needs.

The other day I was walking in Woolies doing my weekly food shop. I was so proud of myself, navigating the pram with one hand and a trolley with the other. I was giving all the other mothers the "check me out" look. All of a sudden a women came up to me, clearly exasperated and said, "Oh thank goodness, you are a mommy, you'll definately have a tissue, may I please have one, its an emergency?"

Silence....

Go back and look at my bag's inventory.... EVERYTHING is there, except... tissues.

Silence...

And you can imagine the look on her face when I had to fess up. "Sorry, no tissue, perhaps a wet wipe?"

It was the look I hate, the look I can't stop seem to keep getting.. its the look of:

Definately a first time mother, she'll learn

I found myself explaining to this woman liked I'd failed a test. Normally I have tissues, just not today, I'm not a bad mother, shit, why did she have to ask me for the one thing I don't have... WHY!!!

This was my first incident with the look and since then its a never ending event!

I went for lunch and baby decided to throw a fit in the parking lot while I searched for my car keys. Out of nowhere, this lady arrived..like a moth to a flame.

Lady Speaks: You look like you need help, can I help you?

Lady Thinks: People should be licensed to have children, look what this lunatic woman is doing to this poor cute baby!

Mother Speaks: Oh thank you so much but I'll manage.

Mother Thinks: Leave me alone please so that I can pretend that no one notices that my child is throwing a fit!

Lady Speaks: Are you sure? Are you a first time mother? LOOK IS GIVEN

Lady Thinks: This chick doesn't have a clue what she is doing?

Mother Speaks: Yes, I am a first time mother, hahaha, I'll be fine!

Mother Thinks: Look Lady, I am a first time mother, but that has nothing to do with this, why do I feel the need to explain myself to you, I don't even know you, stop giving me the look, I am perfectly able to calm my child down, leave me alone!!!

Lady Speaks: All right then, Good Luck (Look is given again)

Lady Thinks: First time mothers, ha, such amateurs...She'll learn!

Mother Speaks: Have a nice day!

Mother Thinks: DUCK!

Mother continues to calmly search for her car keys.
Mother frantically searches for car keys.
Mother cannot find car keys with baby in arm.
Mother needs someone to hold baby so she can find car keys.
Mother is sorry she was rude to the kind lady.

CONDESCENDING LADY...PLEASE COME BACK AND HELP INCOMPETENT FIRST TIME MOTHER!!!

Baby is losing his voice!
Mother is in tears.
Mother has run out of swear words.
Mother feels guilty.
Mother finds car keys in her pocket (she put them there in advance so that she would not have to search for them...)
Baby refuses to sit in car seat!

Mother gives herself the look!

Mother promises to better prepare in future!

Much Love
Gen x