KNOW ALL ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL

May I just say that no matter what I do, it never seems to be right for the "know it alls"

What I mean is, you can never give the right answer!

All the conversations go something like this...

Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"

Mother: "No, I was not able to feed successfully"

Know it all: "Really? (disapproving look is given) I breastfed exclusively for 6 years before my daughter respectfully requested to drink cows milk! It was fantastic, she's never had a days flu in her life!"

OR

Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"

Mother: "Yes I am breastfeeding"

Know it all: "I never fed a day in my life and my children are perfectly normal. You know its very restrictive to breastfeed especially in public and no one can help you?

You see.. what I'm trying to say is that no matter what I do or say, the right answer is always the opposite... so now what I do is a SMERGE of answers.

Know it all: "Are you breastfeeding?"

Mother: "Currently I am not breastfeeding, but I did feed for 8 weeks through a breastpump as I was unable to latch successfully. Breastfeeding is great and I wish I could have done it longer but at least I am not restricted publically and socially and there are always people who can help me with my feeds." (There that should shut her up... oh wait here it comes...)

Know it all: You mean you expressed your milk? Double feeding is exhausting, you really should have just gone on to the bottle from the start? I mean there is absolutely no difference!

SIGH...YOU SEE... YOU WILL NEVER WIN!

The best bet is to nod and sit in silence at all the advice that is thrown your way, because if you listen to everyone rehash their pregnancy (35 and 40 years ago) it will basically drive you crazy!

In my quest to silence all of my critics, and hopefully shock them into submission, I have decided to openly admit to all my disapproving motherly actions.

1: My child drinks gripe water by the litre!
2: I breastfed for 10 minutes. I didn't like it!
3: I do not change his nappy every hour and no..he has not ever developed nappy rash!
4: I started him on solids at 16 weeks. He did not want them earlier. He did not want them later. He wanted them at 16 weeks.
5: He still got cramp even though I listened to the advice and put socks on his feet in 30 Degree heat!
6: My child eats three hourly, not two hourly, not four hourly, THREE hourly!

AND FINALLY and MOST IMPORTANTLY...

7: When he screams his lungs out and you are holding him and he doesn't know you, DAMMIT IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU... HE IS NOT HUNGRY!!!