Solid Smash Up

So I cannot understand why I put myself under so much pressure to be Mother Earth.

I mean, it was about time that Baby started solid food, so I dutifully drove myself off to Woolworths and purchased kilogram after kilogram of organic, home grown, chopped and diced gem squash, butternut and carrot.

I had it all planned out. First I would introduce squash.

He would love this.

Three days later I would throw in the butternut, then the carrot.

Then I would start combos of the veggies and he would be thrilled at this new world of textured, wholesome, delicious food.

WRONG!!!!

This is the reality...

1: MOTHER EARTH GROWS HER BABY FOOD IN HER BACKYARD FROM A CAREFULLY CULTIVATED VEGETABLE PATCH
I bought the veggies from Woolworths being extra careful to select organic (what the difference is, I'll never know but who cares, all the health gurus say its better and I don't have the patience to find out why)and being doubly extra careful to go into overdraft!

2: MOTHER EARTH STEAMS HER VEGGIES CAREFUL NOT TO LOSE VALUABLE NUTRIENTS
So pots boiling (not steaming - yet to learn how?? or to care how??) and the veggies were on their way.

3: BLEND SOFT VEGGIES TOGETHER AND FREEZE IN ICE TRAYS
Done - shew - at least I got this part right... I hope.

4: MOTHER EARTH FEEDS BABY VEGETABLES AND TOGETHER THEY ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE OF NEW FOOD
Well.. let me put it this way... it would have been easier to force toxic waste down Baby's throat than to get him to swallow the squash. Armed and ready it was a battle spoon for spoon...

Mother: AAAAHHHHHH UMMMMMMM OOOOOOHHH Delicious....Open Wide... Aeroplane landing...open the garage to park the car/spoon?

Baby: Is this chick actually being serious? What is this crap?

Mother: UMMMM Yay for baby..Open wide... One two buckle my shoe?

Baby: Lets be honest, we all know you can't cook for shit.. and really, do you expect me to actually swallow... Put the spoon DOWN!! I am not swallowing, I don't care how much nik nak paddywack you sing...

Mother: This old man, he played one... EAT... I COMMAND YOU TO EAT!!! Actually...SWALLOW I COMMAND YOU TO SWALLOW!!!

Baby: This should be good... hmmm.. now's about a good time to throw a fit... lets see if I can throw myself out my feeding chair...

Mother: SILENCE... I COMMAND SILENCE!!! lets try butternut...

Baby: WHAT? What the hell is this orange stuff.. It's worse than the stringy yellow stuff... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Mother: Crying is good.. at least the mouth is open.. I know what.. I'll shovel as much as I can into the open mouth... Then when he decides to close it, he'll swallow his lunch!!

SO.. as you can see this procedure went on for a few days before I eventually quit and decided that my kid was not destined for vegetables...

That is of course until he dished me out the worst insult ever.. and lapped up the Purity Sweet Potato in front of my mother with an expression of:

Thank God, I can see she never cooked this... Its actually edible. Where has this stuff been all along.. I love you granny...save me from this other woman.. you know, the one who can't cook!

So I've come to accept that my days as Mother Earth are numbered.

I am trying not to take the whole thing too personally.

But I still wonder where I went wrong with boiling vegetables and blending? How can you actually bugger up something so simple?

Well.. he likes bottled food..its Mother Earth's Nightmare come true!

One two buckle my shoe... Nineteen Twenty.. My Plate is EMPTY!! God bless you Purity..God bless You!!!