Timetable of a desperate mother

Timetable of a desperate mother

I'm from the 21st century, I have routines, deadlines, a ringing cellphone! I mean I cook dinner with one hand, respond to emails with the other, I listen to my husband rattle off our bond repayments using analytical left brain and still find the willpower to depress myself over not losing the baby weight quickly enough (right brain's sense of artistic narcissism or slow releasing insanity?)

I think I'm pretty talented at the whole multitasking superwoman gig... but to be totally honest, the last few months have sent me for a six!

It is a common and well known fact that sleep deprivation is a highly effective torture technique - so what the hell was mother earth thinking when she designed newborn babies? If I had to rate the effect of sleep deprivation, I would say that waking up every couple of minutes is like being in prison and newborns are Abu Ghraib...

Here is my extremely candid account of "the other night"... A TRUE STORY!

17h00: Feed him

17h30: Bath him

18h00: Rock him vigorously to stop the screaming!!!

19h00: He falls asleep... "This is so easy, What is everyone complaining about?"

19h05: He wakes up..."Please God, I take it all back... I promise to be humble and to never think arrogant thoughts again... bless all the other mothers.. please make my baby sleep"

19h30: He falls asleep again

19h30-23h30: I do all the work that I was supposed to have done in the day when I was feeding, playing and rocking

23h30: He wakes up, I feed him - This takes an hour!

00h30: I crawl into bed

02h30: I hear cooing on the monitor - I convince myself it is not him, its just a bird.

02h35: I hear screaming on the monitor... who is killing birds at two in the morning?

02h40: I wrench myself out of bed and feed him - THIS TAKES AN HOUR!!!

03h40: He is wide eyed and wants to play - I put him in bed and hope for the best

03h45: More cooing on the monitor - I tell Husband he better do the next feed or I want a divorce! NO REPLY

03h50: Silence on the monitor - could it be...heaven!

04h15: Coughing and choking... WHAT - Husband and I bolt upright! (The new thing - when crying is ignored, baby chokes himself to get our attention)

04h17: Husband gets hit in the face by a deadweight arm - CHECK ON HIM!!!

04h19: All clear... nothing wrong

05h30: Cooing.....%^@#!!!

05h30: Husband: "Babe - what could it be?"

05h31: A Bird??? - Please GOD!!!

05h32: Its not a bird... I beg Husband to wake up - he pretends to be unconscious.

05h33: Screaming, coughing, choking..... I get up even though I cannot feel my legs...I give baby his bottle.

05h45: He drinks 1/3 of the bottle.....

05h46: Witnesses testify that they saw a baby being thrown at an unconscious man while he lay sleeping peacefully in his bed!

06h00: Husband wakes up - shouts at wife and says that Nanny must start work earlier
"What time would you like her to start" I say

"4 am " he replies

Silence... husband does not think this is unreasonable... Wife is considering the idea!

06h00-07h00: I blacked out during this time - don't really know what happened

07h00: I wake up to find baby lying in his camp cot, no blanket, staring at the wall - no sight of Husband and the bottle still 2/3 full.

07h15: Husband conveniently starts work at this time - In 6 years of our relationship, he's always woken up at 07h30, All of a sudden urgent meetings are scheduled for 07h15??????? ^%$#!!!!

07h30: Witnesses testify that they saw a baby being thrown at Nanny who arrived for work 3 1/2 hours late!!!

07h30-09h30: Nanny bounces baby for 2 hours while crazy mother drinks loads of coffee and sends out urgent emails.

10h00: Feed him.... REPEAT!!!!

Gen x