Pamphlet Peril

Since pregnancy, I have been bombarded with pamphlets. Short concise paragraphs on "How To..."

You can't help it.. you sit in the gynae's office and staring you in the face is a pamphlet entitled:

Dealing with Colic - how to help your child

And so the series of thoughts commences..pretty much in this order:

Thought 1: What the hell is colic?
Thought 2: Am I a bad mother because I don't know what colic is?
Thought 3: My child won't have colic.
Thought 4: What if my child has colic?
Thought 5: I better take the pamphlet in case he has colic.

All this goes through the female brain in approximately 2 seconds..as Woman discreetly reaches forward, pulls a pamphlet off the pile and places it in her handbag.

"What's that for?" Husband innocently asks.

"Colic my love, just for our records"

"What's colic?"

Woman sighs..."Really now Husband, after all the websites, the classes, the discussions how can you not know what colic is? Are you aware that we are having this kid in 7 months time? I mean...get it together...jeez!"

"Ok Sorry Wife, I'll read the pamphlet...don't aggravate the hormones!I wonder if you have to become a cow in order to produce milk?

Of course you then read this pamphlet and its full of tips and hints for managing colic...and you, being undiscerning and pregnant, happily think you've got it all together, its easy, just follow the pamphlet's advice.

It is however, only after your little one is born that the sudden shuddering reality hits home... this pamphlet is the biggest load of crap!

For example:

Pamphlet advice: Colic causes inconsolable crying in babies. This may happen during the hours of 16h00 to 19h00.

The real deal: Colic causes inconsolable screaming in babies. This may happen ALL DAY LONG in two minute intervals - so he can catch his breath to continue screaming!

Pamphlet advice: During this time of crying, try to relax your baby, place him in a calm soothing environment, rub olive oil on his tummy, have a warm bath, read a magazine, take a break and soothe baby in shifts with Husband.

The real deal During this time of screaming, baby will be blue in the face,the more you try to relax him, the more he will cry. DO NOT TOUCH HIM OR ATTEMPT CONTACT AT THIS TIME - HE WILL FREAK OUT - PUT THE OLIVE OIL DOWN. If you can hear yourself over the screaming you are in a soothing environment - count your blessings. You will not have a free hand to run a warm bath, actually, during SUICIDE HOURS you may want to avoid all water or balconies. Important: If you have time to read a magazine, your child does not have colic. If Husband volunteers to help you through this, be suspicious...be very suspicious!

The other pamphlet in my experience that needs to be blown out the water is:

How to breastfeed your baby successfully

Firstly, if it was so earthy and natural, then why would we need a pamphlet on it?

Secondly.. well let me explain

Pamphlet advice The World Heath Organisation advocates exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months.

Really..what the hell is that recommendation meant to do other than put you on the biggest guilt trip ever!

Pamphlet advice Breastfeeding has been around since early mankind.

Decoded, this is meant to make you feel like an idiot.. The natural thought...if cavewoman could do this and her brain was 1/10th our size, then if you struggle to breastfeed you must be really stupid and incompetent!

Pamphlet advice Latch your baby on to your nipple and begin the wonderful experience of breastfeeding. A correct latch will be painless.

The real deal When your baby latches, you will feel fire through your breast, it will be worse than giving birth...like passing needles through your nipple! If your nipple cracks, purchase Lansinoh, the world's smallest but most expensive ointment. This will last you approximately 3 feeds before you go bankrupt.

Pamphlet advice A major benefit to breastfeeding is the cost..its totally free!

The real deal When you battle to latch, consult a lactation consultant. At R450 a pop you are bound to latch correctly. Be assured that your baby will feed beautifully in front of this woman but the second she leaves, you (being incompetent of course) and your baby will forget all that has been taught and will then need to meet with her for 8 feeds per day x R450 x 6 months(180 days) before you declare INSOLVENCY.

I must be honest, I look back and laugh at how idealistic I was when I was pregnant.

In my mind, my child would latch automatically, he would never have colic, he would sleep through the night at 6 weeks, he would feed 4 hourly.

Let me be the one to break the silence, if you meet a mother and her baby is doing all of the above...SHE IS LYING!!!!