Sickie

I've dreaded this moment since he was born. I always knew that one day it would come, statistically this had to happen and so... last week, my fears and dread came to fruition.

What started off as a simple cough and splutter turned into RSV (Respiratory Something Virus).

This is fancy Paediatrician code for BABY FLU and BRONCHITIS.

So no worries, I've got all the pamphlets, I've done the internet search, I'm prepared - intellectually that is.

But there is something decidedly heartbreaking about watching a 14 week old baby cough his lungs out and stare at you with glassy red eyes as if to say, "What the hell is happening to me?"

But, as it is, in keeping with the nature of the blog, I did manage to find some humour in the whole experience... so here we go...

THE PAEDIATRICIAN VISIT

Mother: Doctor, my baby is violently ill

Doctor: What seems to be the problem? Violently ill?..Yeah right 10th dramatic woman I've seen today

Mother: Coughing, choking, red eyes, decreased appetite, he's not himself, he doesn't smile, he doesn't laugh, and while I'm here, when should he "find his feet" per the milestone chart?

Mother prays silently..Please God let me remember all the symptoms. If I miss one will he be ok, will I be the mother who missed the crucial symptom that could have stopped this whole thing from happening?

Doctor: Ok calm down lunatic woman remove his clothing and lets take a look.

Mother removes clothing... all of a sudden as it to spite mother, BABY COOS and Smiles at Doctor as if nothing is wrong.

Baby: That's it, I'll show you up, this is payback for not letting me play at 3 AM...

Doctor: Is he wheezing? Look at this cute happy baby - with its wierd mother!

Think quickly, I don't remember him wheezing, what's wheezing? Maybe... should I just be safe and say yes in case he wheezed and it happened to be when I was in the shower and I missed it?

Mother: Yes, absolutely, he's definately wheezing.

Doctor: Ok...That's a definite No!

Doctor: Listen to me and relax, he'll be fine, 90% of babies get this before the age of 2, breathing is important, not coughing. Just listen to his breathing. If it is intense, he may need some help and we may admit him and give him oxygen.. but he is not there yet, not even close so relax.

Doctor: Oh shit, I can see the look on this chick's face, all she's heard is Oxygen, admit him, he's there

Mother: Shit, Admit him, I cannot believe this is happening!

Doctor: Listen to me again, listen to the breathing, it must be easy for him to breath, otherwise call me.

Doctor: Crap, why did I have to say that. Now this chick is going to phone me 24/7 to listen to her kid breathe over the phone

Mother: Great, I'll just be safe and call the Doctor 2 hourly to let her check his breathing over the phone.

Doctor: I can see the look on your face, you won't miss it if he struggles to breathe. It will be blatantly obvious.

Mother: Ok Doctor, I'll relax, I trust you, I just don't trust me..Yeah right, you don't know me, I wouldn't notice if a meteor landed right in front of my car, I'd drive around it, I'm dozy and unaware...

Doctor: Why did I do this for a living? What sins am I paying for... mental note to receptionist, lose Lunatic Mother's File and make no further appointments..

Doctor: Call me in a few days if you are not managing...Remember the Hypocratic Oath..Remember the Hypocratic Oath...This is why I don't charge Medical Aid rates.

Mother: I'm sure I'll be fine..whatever, I'm calling you as soon as I get to the car.

And so this is how this visit came to pass.

And let me tell you, nursing a sick baby is by no means fun...its a black hole - no light comes in, nothing comes out... just you, baby and the virus trapped in a room with a humidifier for days and days on end.

So...finally I can say that he's almost there. I'm so proud, we got through the worst part, he is such a little fighter!

And just as I was about to boast to the family about what a great nurse I am, I felt a sudden sense of dizziness come on...

As I finish this post to my blog, I can tell you that BABY is sleeping peacefully while mother is pouring baby's meds into her nose, nebulizing herself and wondering where her mommy is to nurse her - Mother is definately Wheezing (I Think)!!